my heart was having it's usual weird erratic beating for maybe a few minutes..then it stopped. thereafter i think i heard a voice.a female voice. say 'hello'. the voice was clear, and so...for a lack of a better word to describe it, velvety. Real, it was so real.. and then straight after i heard that voice, there was this weird, numbing sensation (similar to chills) that started from my head all the way down to the feet. i swear. and after the chill, my heart started pumping faster and faster and i couldn't really breathe properly? i tried to calm myself down, tried to breathe slower, but i failed. the breathing just got harder and more choppy...

and the fear. fear just kept rising in me....i was left jumpy and paranoid at everything. my hands trembled and even after i managed to calm down there was this dormant fear inside me. ready to flare up at any moment. i even jumped when Windows popped out a message with the 'pop' sound. paranoia... i don't know if i can even sleep tonight... i mean...what the hell just happened...

woke up late this morning, supposed to be helping my dad at 8am but ended up waking up only at 9am. looked around the house for my stupid bro and couldn't find him, so i thought that (miraculously) he had gone down to help my dad earlier than I. pfft. fat hope. he came back 10 mins later with soya bean and a loaf of bread as his breakfast! and he hasn't even gone down to help. -.- end up? I showered and went down to help and he was sitting there eating his bread, drinking his soya bean milk and watching eragon dvd. what an ass.

helped my dad at the stall, the both of us munched on biscuits as breakfast cause there were a lot of customers. did what i had to do, and WAS doing what i was supposed to do, until my MUM called. Whatever for? She was asking me to drive her back from IMM. Boiling. and over the phone still asking me to prepare baskets and ribbons for her so that she can wrap a hamper when she gets home. Boil until overflow. asked me where my bro was, and when i told her that he was probably still sleeping, she scolded over the phone that we don't have a heart to help my dad, and somemore ask me to call her when i reach home so she can talk to my bro. Pre-explosion. ok, i'm irritated. but she's my mum, i can't shake her off unless i marry. so i throw her wanted things together and trudged home. reached home and saw my brother sleeping on the couch, his half empty cup and ice tray on the table, the dog poop not cleared, the bedsheets in hell of a mess. EXPLODED.

decided that i shall not do anything, raised my voice and asked him to get up and get down to help. then took the lorry key and drove angrily off. didn't really pay attention to the road, so thank God nothing happened. I parked at the 3rd floor then called my mum to locate her and found her at Giants with a trolley full of stuff. -.- accompanied her until she paid for the stuff, then went to eat (finally) at LJS. sighs.. the only comforting time..i love ljs fries. plus cheese. ultimate comfort.

thereafter, on the way back to the carpark mum saw this bag stall and bought a bag for herself, and one bagpack for me, for when i go to school. lols. went to unload the stuff on the lorry and drove home, feeling better. but....

reach home and found my room still in a mess. seriously. his army bags are on the floor, his boots are freaking in my room, the dustbin is full with his mucus-filled tissues. the most irritating thing is what he did to my beloved bed. he actually slept on my bed for about 2 weeks or so. i let him. know why? cause he can actually sleep until my bedsheets come off the mattress, roll around in a ball at his legs and he don't care! and a few days ago when i wanted him to change the bedsheets and he said okok, and my bed ended up naked. he was sleeping on just the mattress, using the old bedsheet as a blanket! wtf! seriously!

so when i reached home i took out fresh bedsheets and lined my bed. double layer. considered triple, but then i couldn't find the extra sheets. so now my bed is nice and clean. i'll sleep in it and not let that idiot near it. bitch.

on another note, i've got to find a job after school starts and after the schedule is confirmed. was considering working at apple, but heard that the job is quite the crap. and then there's always the zoo. but no matter what i think i really have got to have my own transport. bike. not out of passion or enthusiasm, but out of necessity.

omg. pms lah. such a long post..

My edward. Never really there due to NS, quite stubborn at times, wanting things to go his way. But always understanding, forgiving, protective. Always knowing more, thinking in more detail before acting out. The love of my life, making my heart run a marathon whenever he looks at me a certain way. Someone that I cannot imagine not being together with. haha.

And then there's always....

My jacob. Always there regardless of whether I needed help or not. Ever ready to reply smses within the hour. But has his emotional side, and is quiet most times. It's easy to be around him, natural. Someone that I know I can truly trust, someone that I know I can tell things to, and then count on his reliable advice. Also he has a contagious smile. :)

So there. my edward and my jacob. The two closest guys in my life, and I love them both. Each in his different way. Can't imagine life without both of them, but I can imagine forever with my edward.

That is, if my edward would be slightly more gentlemanly. maybe that's where the difference is. their personalities fit the other. my edward is like twilight jacob. and my jacob is like twilight edward. Hahaha.

How is it that I can look so bad on certain days. Like today. Puffy eyes, dishevelled hair, pimples on my face. What more.

Bee's gone on another overnight exercise. which means that there will be no call nor message tonight. I think I can survive. I think. How did he even fall in love with me in the first place got me thinking real hard. I mean, I'm not exactly the best looking girl and I've got my bad days, and I'm really indecisive. Hm, a question only he can answer, I suppose.

On a side note, dreams are really tough to follow.

Update:

-still happily dating daniel

-still with my current job at the animal clinic

That's pretty much all of my life right now. kinda sad, i know. but my job has just been sucking away alot of my time. I swear i'll switch to part-time some time in June. Then maybe look for a better paying job with lesser working hours.

Been meeting bee once a week, on saturday nights, or sunday evenings. that's the only time he gets to book out, and also the only time i get to see him for the week. Sighs. September, September.. then he'll commission, and start his officer contract. For 4 years.

After 4 years, and all goes well, I wanna hear some bells, see a cake and walk an aisle in a dress.

*dreaming*

so many things that shouldn't be that way,

so many feelings within me that contradict

I don't know where do i stand now. I feel more and more lost as time goes by.

The worst kind of feeling i can get, is to be void of any feeling. that sort of means something, does it not?

Time is not on my side.Patience wears thin, expectations are dissolving. why do i keep waiting for things that don't seem to come?

I get scared. I get tired of waiting. Bottomline is, I AM STILL A HUMAN. like everyone else, i've my limits and expectations. and disappointment hurts like a dagger in the throat. I don't want honey words, i'm looking for actions that support those words. Something substantial i can see.

Please?

I don't want it to turn out for the worst. Which is why i typed this, and I don't have much time with you left, i hope we can talk more and not a few messages in a few days. Preparing me for your army period? No, i don't want that. draw me closer back to you. cause i think i'm drifting and i'm feeling the distance. Can you do it?

Talked to an old friend recently, and it hit me that so many people ard me are facing relationship problems. Being unable to let go, move on and deal with their r/s. some around me who also return to their previous old habits after their r/s ended. It's kind of amazing, in a perverse sort of way, how a person can change you so much, make you feel so much when they are close to you. And then when they are out of your life, it's like switching off the lights again. But I guess no matter what, these people will always leave something with you, sort of like a scar, or an imprint. Humans are selfish creatures. even though someone may seem to keep giving and be happy giving, deep inside, they'll always want something back. Sad, but i think its true.

Lol. shouldn't think so much le. I'll get headaches and hallucinations, then ruin my day. and someone else's day too. haha!

Work is coming along well i suppose. No big boo-boos to complain about so far, although i'm sure i'll be blogging about it in the near future.

I'm considering signing up for basic japanese classes. and maybe piano classes. and perhaps bike lessons. but maybe i should discuss with my parents for the bike. I need private transport badly.

ALL THE BEST TO BABY FOR TOMORROW!! *Hugs* (:

Anyway, just want to take this chance to say sorry to my friends, esp jo, shy and jing, for not being able to come out and play..the job's really taking alot outta me. maybe i'll learn to relax more a month plus later, and then perhaps i'll get more energy to come out and play. haha.

Got my first pay last week! and now already half is used up le. damn. I need to manage my money. Job is...ok i suppose. I guess you can never really expect too much from a job. Every job has its unglam moments. haha. Plus the politics! aye aye...always the politics, the dirty backstabbing. Which is why i like to say 'Love the job, hate the people'.

Not all the people of course. I've a few closer colleagues whom i do feel much easier working around. Sometimes the doctors are not very friendly, sometimes senior recepts like to bully the newbies, sometimes the customers like to think recepts are meant to be shouted at. In other words, its quite a pressurising job. So i think i need to learn how to relax.

Haven't been able to really meet with anyone lately. Even muffin. Met him a few times, and we went to fun places for a day before i had to get back to work again. Went to sentosa, dams and jack's place, L4D. haha. I really hope i can spend more time with muffin. (: Loves.