im so....ugh. STRESSED.
everything i do seems like its wrong and i get scolded by my mum, nagged at for the smallest reasons!
i cant even go for agm without getting talked bad about behind my back by my MUM. something about her own children not helping her out and she's got to rely on others for help.
if this nagging/scolding helps her release her stress and anger, i'd help by not retaliating back at all. and im not. i just let it come. when she's done she's better. and the only way that im releasing them out is through here. i feel like a 'chu qi tong'.
SCHOOLWORK isn't helping either. i cant even do my homework at home now. i've to sit at the stall and half work half sell stuff, which is not productive at all!! i feel so guilty about my projects because my groupmates are doing nearly all the work and i cant do much at all!
SKATING, i love it. but admin work is pressurising, and i don't know how i can skip skating sessions. i would have fought to go for a session, but now, i dont know why im not fighting anymore. i dont like that feeling. i want my passion fired back.
HOUSE. im like, the only person sleeping at home now. parents are sleeping over at the stall. and i've to do ALL the chores by myself. all. washing my parents' dirty clothes, drying them then bringing nicely folded ones to them. its better if my brother isn't around, or else i'll even have to wash his dishes while he maples the whole day.
by the time i finish helping at the stall, its 12am. tired already. then do chores, 12.30am. dead tired. i wanna maple. so maple till 2+, dead. next morning, if sat or sun, have to wake before 8am to go help out, until 12am again.
i feel lonely, i feel frustrated, i feel angry, i feel guilty, i feel sad, i feel deprived. what else? im waiting for a really nice, warm msg all day... looking at my phone and carrying it around even if i don't have pockets. i dont mean to blame anyone. i think they're my insecurities and maybe im being self centered, or evil, or depressed shit. feeling not appreciated and taken granted for. maybe one day when im suddenly gone, i hope people will notice.
i cant confide in anyone now.
tears are probably the only counselling i can afford now.
emo.
i do love you, and i do still want you. im not going anywhere. im here for you.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
tell me what do you see in me
